Since Arlo’s CF diagnosis I’ve been told to toughen up a few times.
I’m 100% sure that most of the time people are saying this to me because they don’t want to see me upset or struggling. And I’m not writing this post from a place of judgement or criticism (I’m certain that pre-Arlo I would have said the wrong thing to post-Arlo me!) But the truth is that no matter how much people don’t want to see me sad - I have to be allowed to have moments when I can be in a sad place and process those feelings.
I try to be the toughest, most optimistic and positive person I can be for Arlo, but I’m not completely infallible or invincible to feelings of sadness or helplessness. And the suggestion that I need to toughen up usually makes me feel far lower than before. Rather than making me feel stronger.
I find it sad that people can be so sympathetic to the concept of mental health struggles - or to the concept of an external scenario where someone is struggling; “Oh, so and so’s daughter is really struggling with anxiety at the moment. I really feel for her….” And yet, when it presents itself in ‘real life’, on their doorstep, they decide to tell that person to just toughen up. Get a thicker skin. Stop getting stressed or anxious or worried or upset.
I think I’ve been trying to toughen up and bottle things up for the last 11 months. And the result has been seriously unhealthy - a few tiny insignificant things over the last 2 or 3 weeks have caused me to have what I can only describe as mini, inexplicable meltdowns.
So here’s my message to anyone feeling down - sit in it, feel it, remind yourself it’s valid purely on the basis that you’re feeling it. And most importantly, share it with someone.
And NEVER let them tell you to toughen up. You’re strong, but you still need to be allowed to feel negative emotions when they appear.
DM me if that’s easier than telling your mum, friend, husband - cause I get that sometimes it’s easier to tell a stranger - I’m somewhat in the trenches with you and I will listen to anything! 🙏
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